As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill? Mind Your Business counted to a hundred and then started looking for his brother. ", A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. Linas is a SEO List Curator at Bored Panda with a bachelor's degree in Communication & Digital Marketing. The farmer is impressed. He was whispering in my ear. "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." Enjoy our team's carefully selected Long Jokes. "Your obsession is money. if (document.readystate === 'complete') { He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. Sometimes, these jokes get boring and we tend to lose interest. As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it?". if (windowHref.indexOf('?') So, the wife and I were in town shopping And as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.This must be a mistake, the man says. He just told me that if I wanted to get a free haircut at the barbershop, I should come with him. Is there anybody up there?" Why did the sperm cross the road? When we stopped him and asked why he was doing that, he replied, "I was just trying to see how it tasted because my teacher said that the homework would be a piece of cake for me. You're the father of twins. Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Error occurred when generating embed. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married. Where to draw the line on dirty dad jokes depends on how many awkward conversations you're willing to have should your kid fire off a poop joke in Sunday . John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out. The 40 best dirty jokes to die of laughter If there is something that we are missing here, it is shame, so here we go with our collection of jokes: 1. Really? Speaking of dirty jokes, we have the ultimate stockpile of the dirtiest, raunchiest, and definitely, NSFW jokes for you. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself. Now I know I can handle the bad news. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. A modest number of hands were raised. After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. Then, the girl took two cookies and lied about it. I sure wish my friends were back here. 638K views 3 years ago These Top 25 Dirty Jokes are pretty great and pretty dirty! "Patient: "Right around the entrance. ", I was in the library once when a man walked in asking for some ham and cheese. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing! I love you." A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, "Ladies and gentleman; we don't know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners. He saw a police car passing the neighborhood, so he stopped it to ask for help. My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. ", 2 cowboys talking about s*x. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long? var windowHref = window.location.href || ''; How's the water?". 2. Joe asks what the dollar is all about. ", I had visited a cafe one day with my friends. A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. //, As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." His wife was standing nearby watching him. Vote on your favorite funny long jokes! The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". "No", he says. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. Two deer walk out of a gay bar. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" You scared the living daylights out of me! It's my way or the Huawei. ", A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." > -1) { "He replied, "I doubt it somehow. 1. He threatened the manager by saying, "If you try to do anything smart, you're fiction." ", A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. The man asked the barber to give his son a haircut while he shopped for groceries nearby. Well, now there's a new genre to enjoy: dirty riddles with completely innocent answers. When I offered it some food, I was taken aback because it suddenly started talking. A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. You're the father of twins.". A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, "Ladies and gentleman; we don't know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners. One says to the other: I can't believe I blew fifty bucks in there. Before, he did a quick internship at AMII and worked as a Wolt courier (in other words, before Bored Panda, he never had a real job). One makes your whole day, but the other makes your hole weak. "No", says the neighbour. After an hour he loses his patience and yells, "Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and I will get rid of him! (Closed), Hey Pandas, Share A Unique Way You Display Your Books (Closed), Here Are My 31 Heartfelt Illustrations To Brighten Up Your Day (New Pics), That Time When Aubrey Plaza Begged Drew Barrymore To Be Her Mommy, How Andor Is Different From Other Star Wars Shows. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. As I was fixing the car, the lady would cross the road and shout "Hello" at me. ", Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. You're the father of triplets! Very Rich Clay, what is your second wish? The best thing about this collection of dirty jokes is that they are hilariously funny, to use on Reddit or as memes. Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. ", Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? ""That's strange," he answers. "The other two continue to swim in silence for a little while, until the first one turns to the other and asks, "What the hell is water? 1. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "The soup is cold. One day Max went to see Carl. My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you? "Yeah, sorry. Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance. To get flowers for her, he had to stand in a line outside the florist for an hour. I saw how he kissed your neck. ", cried the man. It starts hopping away, turning back every few hops to wave at the two people. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day. "Her next announcement came six hours later: "Ladies and gentlemen, if anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 180 dinners available. Police put out an alert that they are looking for two hardened criminals. What did the leper say to the sex worker? ", John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. This may seem corny, but you make me really horny. "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. and let him slip his hand up her skirt. Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today. Theyre immediately taken back to a room. Beat it. He opens it and sees the same snail. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. Together, we can stop this crap. The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. Someone else driving down the highway stops and walks over to him, and asks, What happened?, Get the best of Bored Panda in your inbox. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. ", A Husband and Wife at Custody court. Please enter your email to complete registration. she said, feeling really good. Unfortunately, this is too true . it is also sad and wrong. Wife: No, he said you could have a stroke at any time. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." . ", A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.His wife asks, "Do you know her? He then asks, how many had sex once a week? Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento". The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, "Morning, boys! ", "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher.After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. Watch while I prove it to you. After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. So we're asking drivers for donations. The Sister Responds "Well there was this one time that I kinda sorta touched one with the tip of my pinky finger" During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?". One was named Trouble, while the other boy's name was Mind Your Own Business. The boy takes the quarters and leaves. asks the doctor? He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year.". What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? When the police officer asked him for his name, he replied, "Mind Your Own Business!" "What's wrong? The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, "Morning, boys! "Look at it's hand. upvote downvote report. The girl wanted to have some apple punch so the boy went to get it, but to his surprise, there was no punch line. "She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? Now, the main question here is this - are you ready for our selection of only the best long jokes ever? It's a gateway tug. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. Making love is like a burrito, don't unwrap or that baby's in your lap. Before leaving they told my friend that they had enjoyed painting his car, but it is not really a Porsche. Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app. 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence. A guy will actually search for a golf ball. There is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your buddies. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town? He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. She sent me a note: "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So I wrote back: "Give me the wine. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. Let's pump it up! 2. "What do you mean?" The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child? One-liner dirty jokes to keep short and simple. They let him in. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? ""How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person? ""Why the long face? They pass a bar and the lab owner says, "Let's get a beer.". The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer. But, somehow he couldn't find him anywhere. ", She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?". One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" ", A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries. Wondering what is was for, he joined it. A dumb blonde joke? "Take me with you!". As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. Create your own unique website with customizable templates. I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long? The owner welcomes him and shows him to the table. It was near the forest so the local guide warned me that I might find some animals there. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. "Where do you live?" Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. Well, a variety of dizzyingly charming topics, for starters! And they do so. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way. The mother has a confused look on her face, Why do you say that sweetheart? At 8 o'clock, he sees the nun and appears before her. Start writing! Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day. An hour passed, two hours passed. - 23. Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. "A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! No cellphone", says the second crow. what is the fry yield mcdonald's, chevy cruze p0299 tsb, avis de non renouvellement de contrat garderie, Farmer, `` it 's about time '' the bear sees the campers and begins head... An email to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but it is not really Porsche! 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